Kept a bit of myself back

'It's odd, but all through everything it's as if I'd known about you. I always kept a bit of myself back, because I knew that it wasn't the ultimate thing - that I still had to find you.' ...I always knew God had something special up his sleeve. There I was, going round with a whole lot of love to unload on to you, and I dumped it on to one or two of the wrong people on the way, by mistake, that's all.' Monica Dickens Mariana

I read this novel on a great sunny summer holiday with two close girlfriends. It was when I was still hoping, waiting for 'the ultimate thing'. It summed up how I felt and how I'd lived. Keeping 'a bit of myself back'. Somehow I knew they didn't love me so therefore I couldn't give myself in total and utter love to them.
I imagined myself sitting under a fabulous sun hat on a great sunlounger and hopefully sipping on champagne from huge saucers.